Jessica's Dream

ream

  By Kate Everson

  Copyright 2012 Kate Everson

  Jessica always wanted to be a boy.

  She was tall enough, and her legs were strong from walking every day in the woods. She liked to climb trees and sit there with her long legs dangling, dreaming of what she would do if she only had the power.

  "If I were a boy, I could do anything," she thought. "I could go anywhere and nobody would stop me."

  She imagined hitch-hiking across the country, from sea to shining sea, with nothing but a backpack and a few dollars in her pocket. For a boy, it was not impossible. For a girl, not a chance.

  "Mom would never let me, for one thing," she mused. "She would be horrified."

  It was true. Jessica's mother was always careful to make sure her little girl was well protected. A bit too protected, Jessica thought.

  "She doesn't even let me go out at night," she grumbled to herself.

  It wasn't all that bad being a girl, but sometimes Jessica felt this overpowering urge to just put on some boy's clothes and take off. Go anywhere in the world. Find her own way. Leave her prison behind.

  "Nobody would bother me," she thought. "I would be free."

  Little by little, Jessica began accumulating bits and pieces of boys' clothes. A baseball cap, a pair of rugged boots, some jeans that had a rip in the knee, and even a hoodie that pulled right up over her tousled brown hair. That would do the trick.

  She practiced dressing up like a boy in her room. She put on the clothes and looked at herself in the mirror. It was almost believable, if she pulled the hoodie up really close to her face. But there was something that didn't quite look strong enough. She decided to add some shoulder padding. That helped. And then she practiced walking across the room, maybe a bit like John Wayne in the old cowboy movies. She giggled.

  "I don't know, pawdner," she drawled. "Maybe ya better step outside."

  She tried to make her voice really deep but it was hard to do it without coughing. That was not easy for a girl to accomplish.

  She decided the less she had to speak, the better.

  One day, when her mother was out shopping, Jessica put on her boy costume and went outside. She walked into a different neighbourhood and tried to see if anyone would notice her. She strutted around, like a tough guy, spitting in the dirt and putting her hands deep in her pockets. She even pulled out a cigarette and lit it. That didn't work so well as she quickly choked and threw it away.

  "Yikes, I better be a non-smoker," she laughed.

  Jessica got home before her mother and quickly put everything away. But the plan was starting to take shape.

  The next day at school she started watching the boys. She wanted to note how they walked and talked, and what mannerisms they had that she could copy.

  "Hey, Jessica, whatcha lookin at?" asked Jason, the guy from her math class.

  "Oh, nothin," she answered shyly and quickly walked away.

  But she took notes and wrote down everything that boys did. She even stood close to a group of them talking and listened in. None of what they were talking about made much sense to her. It was either sports or cars or girls. Boring.

  But she did pick up one interesting bit of information. There was a rock group coming to town next week, and they were all going. Jessica decided this would be her chance to try out her new role.

  She could hardly wait. All week she was fidgety and had a hard time concentrating. Even her mother noticed.

  "Jessica, what's wrong with you?" her mom asked.

  "Oh, nothing, mom, just restless I guess," she answered and hurried up to her room to check her costume. It was almost perfect. She was sure no one would recognize the girl behind that boyish exterior.

  The night of the rock concert came and Jessica managed to find an excuse to slip out. She told her mother she was going to study at her friend's house.

  "Don't be out too late," her mother called.

  "Okay, mom, bye," she said, escaping out the door.

  Jessica went behind the van parked in the neighbour's yard and slipped into her boy's clothes. She pulled the hoodie up tight with the cap underneath hiding her eyes. She dug her hands into her pockets and slouched down the road, shuffling her feet in her oversize boots. She got on the bus to the concert and was soon there in the crowd with hundreds of cheering fans. She felt strong and independent. Nobody even noticed her. She was free.

  Jessica pushed as close to the stage as she could. The boys were tall, but so was she, and she managed to get right up to the front.

  The noise was deafening, but Jessica hung in there, enjoying the exhilaration of her new identity. This was just the beginning and she was already imagining where this could take her.

  Midway in the concert, she went home and got safely upstairs before her mother noticed anything amiss. All was going well.

  Then the problems began. Her mother discovered her stash of boy's clothes in her closet the next day and there was a barrage of questions.

  "Whose are these?" her mother demanded, holding up a pair of boots.

  "Oh, I just borrowed those from a friend," Jessica answered lamely.

  "Why?" her mother asked.

  Then Jessica broke down. She hadn't wanted to tell her mother but she didn't know how to lie very well and this was all too much to keep a secret. She told her about her dream to be strong and independent like a boy.

  Her mother sat down beside her on the bed and put her arm around her.

  "Jessica, my dear girl," her mom said softly. "Don't you know that you don't have to be a boy to be strong? Girls can be just as strong, and sometimes even stronger!"

  Jessica did not know what to say.

  "I don't understand? " Jessica said sadly. "How can girls be strong as boys? They have it all."

  Her mother shook her head. "No, Jessica, you are wrong," she said.

  And she went into the other room and brought back a big scrapbook. She opened the book and turned page after page. The pictures were of a young woman travelling alone all over the world. She had only a backpack and a small purse.

  "That was me," her mother smiled. "A long time ago."

  Jessica gasped. She had never thought of her mother like that. All she knew was a mother who worked hard and kept the house clean and looked after her daughter the best she could. She had no idea of who she had been in her younger days.

  "Mom?" she stared. "That was you?"

  Her mother laughed. "Of course, Jessica, and you have me all over you. A strong, independent woman is coming out. And no, you don't have to be a boy."

  She hugged her daughter and kissed her on the forehead.

  "In fact," she said, "I think we need to do something about your dream right now. Let's plan a trip. Just the two of us. Two strong girls together out in the world!"

  Jessica was shocked.

  "Oh, mom, that would be fantastic!" she shrieked.

  And that very night, they sat down at the computer and planned a trip of a lifetime. They would fly to England and see the castles and stone circles and Stonehenge and all the things that Jessica had only seen in books or movies.

  Every day, they planned more and more until eventually, the trip finally came true. They were off on a shining adventure. Jessica was thrilled. Her mom was excited too. It had been a long time since she had left the comforts of home. This would bring back her own inner strength too.

  The trip was everything they had imagined, even better. They rented a car and travelled wherever they felt like, stopping when they wanted to see something, and visiting the most enchanting places.

  After a week, it was almost over. They were both exhausted and thrilled at what this had done for both of them. Strength and joy and harmony all wrapped up in one magnificent ad
venture.

  Who needed to be a boy to have fun?

  In a stained glass window of Dunblane Cathedral in Scotland, Jessica saw a picture of a woman with a star on her forehead. It shone with the strength and joy of being who she really was.

  "I am that girl," she said. "I am strong, just as I am."

  And her mother smiled and held her very tight.

  "Yes, you are, my dear," she smiled. "I am so glad you know that now."

  This was just the beginning for Jessica. She learned in so many ways how to be strong in her daily life. She learned not to be so shy in front of other people. She learned to stand up for herself, and speak up when she needed to.

  She began to understand why she was here. She was not born to just live and die. She had a mission.

  Jessica wanted to understand exactly what it was.

  The following year, she told her mother she wanted to go on a trip by herself. Her mother was unsure.

  "But Jessica, dear, aren't you afraid?"

  "Mom, you did it on your own," she answered. "And you weren't much older than me. Let me try."

  So her mother reluctantly gave her blessing and watched as Jessica planned her very own trip. She would go back to the Celtic lands and find some deep roots there that belonged only to her.

  Jessica found little Celtic churches that were built hundreds of years ago. She went inside and felt the ancient link she had been looking for. This was her time!

  "I have been here before," she smiled.

  Jessica loved the ruins of castles and chapels, stood inside stone